There is a long story... But I will precede it by telling you all that I am still alive.
That is the extent of the good news...



I wonder if the news is really so good   : (


I weigh one hundred and thirteen pounds... How could I not? I am living HERE again... This HELLHole


well some explaining: Bank: Fired me... ssaid I was not the face of a successful bank
what was wrong with it?

My life, not to be cliche has been kind of slipping away since I lost my job. my meaningless existence is even more meaningless I cant even pay rent...

SO I am back at home living with my mom and sister.
well My sister is kinda cool....

I thikn I want her to make a livejournal account...

<i>Im down to 90

phew

Things are looking up.

also I went to verizon yesterday and got a new phone number... I only have two contacts. Work and the doctor guy...
I think I'm getting somewhere on this lip job.

: )

And that also means that cunt has to actually come to my apartment to get in touch with me...

: )

and another, small, vain thing.... I am someone's role model!

:D

and this someone actually did a saltwater flush. I'm stoked.

I think I'll go do one to celebrate.
 

Suck.
hate:
-Food
-Family
-paper cuts
-answering my phone without thinking
-saying yes of course, also without thinking
-the certainty of having to eat


Gah

ouwchie
My paper cut hurts.



At least its really cold. : )

Hate work
Hate cold
Hate life
Hate car
Hate food
Hate boss
Hate meddlesome people
Hate parents
Hate these five pounds
Hate Hate
Hate Me

So I dont know why I subject myself to this.
must be masochistic.
not a lion though.
This is getting out of hand. I have read two and a half books in three days.
Damn you stephenie meyer.
Kill me now.

Hmmm. I would have to say... Smoking? well I don't think one will. but if there would be one I would hope it would be smoking.

my bruises have faded to a light green.
Kind of sickly but harder to notice.
Phew

today i have had three glasses of watered down juice...yumyum cranberry.

Feeling rather uncomfortable...

did a saltwater flush

very hard to swallow, had to actually plug my nose this time... when it burned in my stomache though... ahhhh...


will eat one cheesestick and an orange at 10pm, tomorrow will eat one apple and three peices of popcorn, I love the way it smells when cooking.

then liquids thursday, fast friday
solids saturday.
fast sunday-tues

back on schedule...

weird.


I didnt mind being off it so much this time...

had that phobia thing during sex today though, I think its because he mentioned how tiny I am right before. Made me think of it.


89 pounds... Beautiful.




almost

means everybody looks at your face.
Mine is bruised and with my current weight drop I look a little like a wonderful...
Something scary,
there is a bruise across my forehead and towards the left cheek across my eye.
A light one, but under the lights at work no one failed to stare or ask.

My boss offered to go to lunch together too... I hate that bitch sometimes. I said that I had one packed in my car and had to run errands.

Bah, as if I were to run an errand.

Goodness me.

So I didn't die. I really thought I would. I still feel a little ill,  but I can walk across the room without getting dizzy and i haven't vomited all day. Cunt it still pounding on my door to take me to hospital. I don't know why I called her, she'll leave soon. I am surprised she is even still here, she's dome enough to look the perfect mom. Thats all she cares about.

Whatever, i got on the scale: 93

So close, I am beginning to think that 90 was to easy of a goal for a 6 day fast.
Well, its okay.

I'll feel better about having to eat on tuesday pm.

Puking like a fucking bulimic. I hate those bitches.
and all I can think Is FUCK ange, you weigh 94 pounds.

I wanted to weigh no more than fucking 80 if I was going to DIE.

I think I'm going to pass out first and thats the hard part. I wanted to die a crazy hard and painful death.
Maybe my small frame could be falling from a bridge, would my eyes be open when I hit the bottom?

Well Fuck, there's no way I will live to the bridge to find out.

Cunt, daddy, If you find this, your Christmas presents are in my car.

Sorry i didnt wrap them.

I just feel worse.
And there is a huge knot in my face, my forehead.
And whenever i move I feel like I am about to faint.


I puked once, and since there is nothing in my body it was like a hot rancid orange flame was being forced out of me.
I feel close to puking again.

What should I do?

When I passed out on the treadmill today I hit my head really hard on the front part.
I felt dizzy, and still do. Bled a little bit, got on my newish white work out shirt...
Gah. I feel really ill.
I do hate hospitals though.
Maybe some rest will make me feel better, i keep telling myself, but I can't manage to sleep.

My plastic surgeon friend... well lover, keeps texting me about his stupid bitch wife. Fuck, I swear I just wanted some big lips.
The sex is okay. I mean he's a smaller guy so I am not as afraid of getting squished.
Fucking lame phobia, to be afraid to be squished during sex... I think I'll look up what it is.

Haha well it goes without saying that my fear wouldn't have a name...
the closest thing I found was: Coitophobia
which is fear of sexual intercourse, which isn't exactly right.

hmm agenda for the day:
12:30 thats right now so this
12:45 yoga
1:45 jog until I pass out, treadmill today.
3:00 ish nap
6:00 get ready to go out
8:00 head to my favorite bar and listen to one of my favorite local bands
think will have a couple shots, though.
Not eating until Tuesday in the p.m.

Ah fuck  me, cunt is calling.

The scale was once my enemy my only fear
and now I cling to it
sleep with it beside
my bed and step into it
like a warm pair of slippers
sometimes
when it is raining
it is ALWAYS raining
I like to go out
scantily clad
and let the coolness
hurt me
I like to be hurt
and I like to feel cold.
I remember why i
left the window
open, but it soaked the
carpet.
making the landlord awful
mad.

So if I had any friends they would be lucky lucky this year for Christmas.
Instead, I got about 100 dollars in new makeup
a new peacoat from GAP red plaid
tights and high socks galore
4 new dresses
shiny uggs
lip plumper. my favorite kind, lip venom

all in all it was a successful day. walked a lot.

I did buy my dad a wallet and some kitcheny things for cunt

the wretched fumbles in the dark
for the safety and reluctance
of a honeysuckle's tendril
fishing through the
outback of time's needle
spinning scratchy jazzy
symphonics
ripening the sound you
portrayed me as
until you promised
the life we live on
I asked you not to
make it we
but you were weak
and held me too hard
bruising and breaking
the very depth of me
Let go. I say
and walk to tomorrow
I care not about us
about you
The times have warned
of the Ides of november,
but these too have passed
and you and I
(separately)
have emerged
basically unscathed
Play my song again
dizzily in delight
for you alone can see me
for who I really am.
and tonight
I can hardly breathe
for anticipation
and starvation
which do you choose to believe in?

paid 15 dollars to go to a buffet.
ha. and sat to watch the fat people. and yes there were a few non-obese people, but I was most definitely the thinnest one there. I drank a glass of ice water and watched people eat.
Disgusting. I hate the thought of next Wednesday.



I started fucking this plastic surgeon, maybe if I bat my eyelashes just right I will get some nice new lips...
I just hope he doesn't decide to leave his wife for me. ><

Went for a walk this evening, wasn't raining when I left, started up a little later though. Then when I got home I turned my cell on to 6 new messages from Cunt. Ha. She was hoping I would have changed my mind. Not a chance. I always feel like she is staring at me, feeling bad she created this demon child, wishing she had told me i was good enough when I was a child. Well there's a reason to celebrate in this: I am Thankful she was surely honest early on in my life; if she hadn't I would be on the gross and obese side.

Thank you Mommmmy, Cunty-face.

Never got to be Miss Washington State, though. Hohum, there's her real regret.

anyways, i digress.


Weighed in at 96 tonight, but I was a little damp from my walk, so it's forgivable, and at least less than yesterday. hope to get to 90 by wednesday. i always feel good at 90.

Today is fucking turkey day,
Hurrrah, I think I'll start a marathon fast just to spite those assholes.
Cunt called ALREADY this orning asking if I would "Please just come for drinks later."
Fuck her.

Well
I must also say I am getting disappointed in the stars, they're all getting fat.
[scrunches nose up in disgust]

well have a nice holiday, India. Shit.